Here are 30 orgasm tips to help you get off more easily with your partner!
Sex should not be frustrating.
But it can be and I am intimately familiar with frustrating sex. The feeling of disappointment, embarrassment, and utter defeat when you simply cannot reach that big O with your partner is something I don’t wish on anyone. Pair that with sympathy for your sex pal, who has been going down on you for an hour saying “it’s fine, just relax” and it almost makes you not want to bother even trying for an orgasm next time.
But you do keep trying. Because when it happens, it feels just so amazing.
I’m not going to let you give up forever on regular orgasms but I know what it’s like when you can’t seem to cum. You read articles that simply say “most women can’t orgasm from intercourse alone and need clitoral stimulation.” No shit Sherlock. If only it was that easy.
For me, I’ve been battling this mountain for years and it gets better and then gets worse, then gets better again. I’ve put together a big fucking list of things that I have found help, or hinder my orgasms with the Mister.
So, I cringe a little bit when people are quick to blame hormones for every single thing in their lives, but the truth is, your hormones play a big role in your sexuality. For me, there are a few major times that hormones interfere with my libido and orgasms.
1. During my period I find that my libido is higher and if you and your partner can get over the small mess, it can definitely be worth trying. My entire vagina is more sensitive during this time for some reason, but you may find, like me, that your cervix is over sensitive and it might be painful to the touch.
2. Are you pregnant? During pregnancy, some women find that their bodies cooperate with them and they can be masters of orgasms, or the opposite. Of course, I was the opposite when pregnant. We literally gave up trying to get me off towards the end of my pregnancy. Actually, I think we gave up on sex too. It will get better after your pregnancy is over. Well, actually it gets worse, and THEN it gets better. But it will get better!
3. Are you nursing a baby? This was probably the worst time I’ve ever had with desire and orgasms. Our bodies are fricken smart and they know that if you’re breastfeeding, you’ve got a little baby that needs all of your attention and care. You can’t be having more sex and making more babies yet. Your asshole body suppresses your libido so that you don’t make more babies.
This is another one of those wait it out times in your life. If your goal is extended breastfeeding, know that after about the first year of nursing, your body will pretty much figure out that it’s okay to start sexy time again. This too shall pass.
The same year is approximately what your body can need to heal if you have major perineal tears during child birth. In fact, in a recent study on postpartum sexual function, women with 3rd and 4th degree tears had significant decreases in arousal, desire, lubrication, and orgasms up to a year after giving birth!
“Hormones, they’re a hell of a drug!”
4. On the opposite spectrum, are you taking a birth control pill? Birth control can definitely affect how your body responds to sex and I find that if I use a pill that is a higher hormone concentration, my body nopes out of orgasms.
How do you know if your pill is too strong? For me, I get headaches during my period. If you find that you’re consistently getting headaches around the week that you don’t take your pill/take your sugar pills, then it’s time to switch birth controls. Just ask your doctor for a lower hormone concentration.
ARE YOU TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF?
During some of my worst times (other than nursing) for trouble with orgasms, I’ll be the first to admit that I wasn’t being very kind to my body. I’m not trying to preach but I absolutely know that if you can treat your body a little bit nicer, you’ll feel so much better and the orgasms will come!
5. Do you smoke cigarettes? I’m not going to tell you to quit because, as an ex-smoker, I know how that makes you feel. I’ll just mention a few things about smoking. Firstly, it’s considered a vasoconstrictor. That means that your blood vessels constrict/get smaller when you smoke. This means all of your blood vessels, including the ones that bring blood to a particular area so that you can orgasm. In general, smoking impairs sexual performance in women.
The other thing about smoking is that it makes it hard to get active, and if you’re riding your guy cowgirl style, you might be more focused on how tired you are instead of how good your pussy is feeling.
In my twenties, I subscribed to this theory and then kept hitting subscribe every night until not only was I never cumming, I often wasn’t remembering having sex with my husband. Needless to say, I never have alcohol now and I never recommend even one or two drinks to loosen you up. Alcohol is a depressant and essentially always makes it harder to orgasm. Avoid alcohol at all costs if you’re having trouble cumming!
“Be kind to your body and your body will be kind to you”
7. Are you majorly stressed or lacking in sleep? I can’t emphasize this enough. If you’re not taking care of yourself, your body is going to revolt in some pretty creative ways. It’s so hard to see and believe when you’re in the cycle of poor self care, but once you emerge from that cycle and give your head a shake, you’ll be able to notice how much better you feel.
8. Do you exercise? Whatever, I’m not here to make you feel badly for not exercising. The only exercise I get is running after a seriously active 2 year old who likes to pretend to be Dash from the Incredibles. Yes, you will feel better if you exercise, and yes, it helps open up those blood vessels. But, fuck, life is busy.
9. Are you on anti-depressants? Personally, I’ve never been on any antidepressants, but I’ve spoken with many people who tell me that their ability to orgasm and their libido is drastically altered while taking them. I know it can be hard to find an antidepressant that works best for you but it might be worth mentioning to your doctor.
Setting the Mood for the Big O
The key here is relaxation. I fucking hate the word “relax.” Whenever someone says it, I feel like doing the opposite. You can’t just say “relax” to someone and they’ll instantly melt into a puddle of relaxation. Fuck relaxing. What you need is to turn your brain off for an hour or so.
Let your primal instincts take over. Don’t think about kids, work, school, or anything. Get in the moment.
10. Have a bath. Bring a really naughty book into the tub with you and let your mind wander. Don’t have a sexy book? Try reading some short erotic stories on Reddit.
11. Bring a small waterproof vibrator like the We-Vibe Tango, in to the tub for a warm up party. Something small just to get that feel-good feeling started. DON’T CUM.
12. In your bedroom, or wherever you will be doing the deed, for the love of god, make sure there are no distractions. The absolute biggest distraction for me was the TV. When we were younger, we lived with other people and would often put the television on to drown out any small noises. 100% of the time, I can’t cum if the TV is on. It doesn’t matter what’s playing, turn it the fuck off. If you need a bit of noise, try a fan or some instrumental music. NO TV.
13. Is your space neat and tidy? I’m not trying to turn you into fucking Martha Stewart here, but I’ve definitely had times where the Mister is going down on me and I’m busy looking at the mountain of clothes on the floor of my bedroom and thinking about whether I should donate or burn them. This is part of no distractions. Tidy up your space so that you can look around and avoid that “Oh, I should do that!” thought.
14. Is your bed comfortable? It seems like a silly question but it’s worth asking. Do you have good pillows? Are your sheets clean and crisp or are they a sweaty bundle that are half coming off of your mattress? Does your bed squeak and is it something that you can fix with some WD-40?
15. Are you wearing something comfortable? So, sexy lingerie is nice and looks pretty, but are you really comfortable in it? I can hardly breathe in some of the corsets I own! There needs to be a good blend of something that feels comfortable but also doesn’t look like a gym shirt so that you can feel sexy too. If that means naked is best, do that! Sometimes I don’t like my breasts hanging out so I put on a little bralet to keep the girls in place. Comfortable and cute.
Foreplay Foreplay Foreplay
You hear it everywhere. Focus on foreplay. What does that even mean other than don’t have intercourse?
What that really means is create anticipation. Have you ever had someone go down on you that teases you slowly as they do it? Eventually you’re almost begging them to insert a finger, a dildo, a penis, or anything inside you. For me it’s a throbbing tightening in my vagina that almost hurts. That’s when I know I’m warmed up completely.
This is the time to have a serious conversation with your partner. Hell, send him or her this article. The Mister and I used to watch a lot of TV in bed and his idea of “warm up” used to be dry diddling my clit under the covers while Futurama was playing.
Doesn’t fucking work and doesn’t fucking do a damn thing.
These next few points might seem really obvious but oftentimes we forget the small things.
16. Are you and your partner kissing? Are you starting sexy time with a good old fashioned make out session? I don’t know why but nothing gets me going like kissing and groping with our clothes on. It sets the stage. Bonus if you can insert mini makeouts during the day leading up to your sexy time; it’ll create anticipation for the entire day.
17. Can you ask him to tie you up? If you’re feeling kinky and adventurous, definitely start with getting tied to the bed. Being tied up is actually really freeing because it releases some anxiety and stress of pleasuring him back while you’re getting yours. Don’t get me wrong, you might find it hot to give blow jobs while bound to the bed, but for the most part, your job is to receive and take instructions. Who knows, this might be your kink and you’ll find that magic cum button!
18. Alternatively, tie him up! Now, this seems a bit confusing because you’re the one that wants to be touched and warmed up right? Well, for me, this is a good way to get in the mood in a way that kind of feels like masturbation. When he’s tied up, I can sit on his face, rub against his penis, or turn around and 69 with him. I can use him as a toy!
Do you use Sex Toys?
The world of sex toys can be overwhelming, expensive, and a little intimidating! I’ll start by saying that I own and use a lot of sex toys and I definitely depend on them to achieve orgasms with the Mister and with myself.
If I had to choose only two toys to own, it would be a small vibrator for my clitoris and a larger sized dildo.
Some women are lucky and can cum easily with just clitoral stimulation. Other women are also lucky and can cum with vaginal penetration only. Still other women aren’t as fortunate and can cum with a combination of clitoral and vaginal stimulation but can still cum reliably. Women like me (and maybe you) don’t fall into any of those categories and we need to get creative.
Is your partner hesitant to use sex toys on you? This really could open up a bag of worms but for me, it is a non-negotiable part of our sex life. I’m lucky in that the Mister enjoys using toys just as much as I do but I understand that some people just don’t like them. It’s important to explain to your partner that you are just wired a little bit differently than many other people and some of the sensations that you need to achieve orgasm aren’t easily brought on by fingers and tongues.
19. Put something in your butt. So, I denied it for years, but the Mister used to always say that every time he put a finger in my butt, I would cum shortly after. If your partner isn’t down for fingers up your bum, try a small silicone butt plug. If your partner is down for fingers in your bum, ask him to curl his finger to feel your vaginal wall from the other side. That’s the area that the Mister massages to push me over the edge.
20. Try a wider dildo or try fisting. For years I had this stigma where I was embarrassed to ask the Mister to put more fingers inside me or to buy a really wide dildo. It sort of feels less feminine to want or need these big things inside you. When I was pregnant, the Mister was completely unable to get me off, and the only way I was able to cum was with things that “stretched me.” The difference was astounding! Once I said goodbye to the typical sized dildos and vibrators, I could actually feel the toys on my vaginal wall and explicitly feel the toy sliding in and out of me. I guess I’m just built a bit bigger down there than other women and you might be too!
I’m not sitting on pylons here, but I find a good 2″ wide dildo like the Tantus Max O2 has completely changed how I feel about sex toys!
21. Do you use lubrication? It’s another one of those things that I almost feel silly asking because it should be so obvious. But actually it’s not always obvious. Do you ever have those times when things are feeling great and you’re working towards your orgasm and then, with nothing changing, suddenly things just stop feeling awesome? It’s probably a lubrication issue then. Use lube and use lube generously, even if you think that you might not need it!
22. Don’t assume that you need more vibration! The quality of the vibration is the important aspect. You can read about rumbly vs. buzzy vibration in my previous post, but the gist of it is that most cheaper vibrators will produce a sharper and unproductive vibration that usually numbs you more often than not. Go with a good rumbly vibrator for your clitoris like the We-Vibe Tango and you should notice the difference.
Orgasms during Intercourse – The Holy Grail?
I had this preconceived notion for a long time that having an orgasm during intercourse was the ultimate achievement unlocked. No wait, simultaneous orgasms during intercourse was the absolute best thing that we should all be striving for!
In truth, yes, these things feel very good and the Mister and I give each other high fives when we can achieve it, but it’s not the be-all-end-all for sex. Honestly for us, it’s hard to do! I need much more stimulation than he does so he has to figure out a way to last as long as me without cumming too quickly. Any vibrator that I’d want to use on my clit also transfers a bit of vibration to him, which of course, feels fucking awesome and drives him closer to the edge. It feels like a race.
We have come up with a few solutions though!
24. Try a penis sleeve. What’s that you ask? It’s a soft silicone sleeve that fits over the shaft of his penis while you have intercourse. It accomplishes a few things: it reduces the amount of sensation he’ll be feeling to make him last longer, it adds some texture to his penis, which feels great inside your vagina, and it adds a small amount of girth. This isn’t saying that your partner’s average sized penis isn’t big enough, but a little extra isn’t hurting anyone!
25. If your partner is particularly adventurous, you can have intercourse until he feels like he’s getting close to cumming, and then he can take a break and fuck you with a strap on instead. I find this works particularly well because we still get the intimacy of sex but he doesn’t have to stress about cumming too soon.
26. In terms of vibration on your clitoris during intercourse, this is another one of my many uses for the We-Vibe Tango. A bullet is small enough to fit between us, but packs a strong, rumbly vibration on my clit.
Communication is Key!
This is a two person event and I’m sure that you can imagine that it can be confusing and frustrating for your partner as well. The more you can talk about what your needs are and how to achieve what you’re looking for, the better it will go for everyone.
“If we can’t talk about it frankly, we frankly shouldn’t be doing it!”
27. Let your partner know when it feels good! Be vocal if you can!
28. Don’t be afraid to let him know when it doesn’t feel good!
29. Be specific with your direction. Vulvas are confusing things with many parts so a detailed road map to what feels best is always going to be better. Specific directions would be like “keep using your tongue to flick up across my clit” or “can you use the dildo with shorter and slower strokes in and out of me?” Yeah, it kind of sounds unsexy at first but if it becomes common in your sexy times, you’ll both develop your own codes and he’ll know what you’re asking for without you having to be explicit.
Finally, this should be pleasurable for both of you
I’m sure you realize this already but sex is for both of you. It’s supposed to feel good for everybody involved! It’s not your partner’s job to make you cum, he’s doing it because he cares for you and he likes to make you happy. If it starts to feel like a one way road in terms of him doing all the work, he probably won’t be so enthusiastic about helping you cum in the future.
30. Please your partner, and please your partner often. Whether it’s tying him down and ravaging his body, random blow jobs, or even pleasuring him manually or orally while he’s working on you, for the love of god, touch your partner and touch him all of the time. He’s working pretty hard down there on you and it’s nice to show some gratitude!
Sayed Ahmed, W.A., Kishk, E.A., Farhan, R.I. et al. 2016. Female sexual function following different degrees of perineal tears. International Urogynecology Journal. p 1-5. http://dx.doi.org/doi:10.1007/s00192-016-3210-6.
Battaglia, Cesare et al.Cigarette Smoking Decreases the Genital Vascularization in Young Healthy, Eumenorrheic Women. 2011. The Journal of Sexual Medicine. 8(6):1717 – 1725. DOI: http://dx.doi.org/10.1111/j.1743-6109.2011.02257.x