I might get crucified for this article. There are many, many women (and men) in the world that are in love with their Hitachi Magic Wand. Hey, if it works for you then go on with your bad self!
Hitachi Magic Wand Massager — I mean, the Original Magic Wand
Growing up, my father always had a neck massager laying around the house. He was (and still is) a tradesman and it was normal for him to come home with a sore neck and back.
The first time I saw a Hitachi Magic Wand Massager, I almost shit bricks because I recognized the device.
Wait. This is a sex toy?
The thing is, the Hitachi Magic Wand isn’t a sex toy. It truly was designed as a body massager. It has been hijacked by women around the world since the 1960s to use as an “intimate massager.” Probably because it has the vibrational output of roughly four jackhammers.
In fact, in 2013, Hitachi decided that they didn’t want to be associated with sex toys anymore and re-branded the device as the Original Magic Wand. I mean, this company literally sells the most popular sex toy on earth for almost 50 years and then suddenly becomes virginal and removes their name and branding from the toy.
Oh right. It’s NOT a sex toy.
Try convincing millions of horny women and men that it’s not a sex toy.
Anyways, it’s not called the Hitachi Magic Wand Massager anymore. It’s the Original Magic Wand now. It’s still thrilling millions of people.
And I hate it.
Why I hate the Original Magic Wand — Reason #1
This device will always be known in my mind as the Hitachi Magic Wand, so that’s what I’m going to call it. I’m mildly annoyed that I am supposed to call it something different now.
That’s not reason #1 though.
The first reason why I hate the Hitachi Magic Wand is because I have no place to store half of a 2×4 in my box o’ pleasure.
My box o’ pleasure isn’t my vagina, it’s literally my box of sex toys. I mean, the Hitachi doesn’t fit in my vagina either, but that’s a different reason why I hate it.
The Magic Wand is a full foot long. and weighs over 1.2 pounds. Not only do I find that storage is a pain in the ass, but I don’t want to have to use both hands to heave this baseball bat onto my clit while I’m masturbating. I simply cannot wield my cell phone to play porn in one hand and this behemoth in the other hand.
You might think that I have weak T-Rex arms if I can’t multi-task and hold this thing up with one arm. I assure you, my arms are plenty strong but I just find that the Magic Wand is so freaking cumbersome to use.
You can also forget about trying to use it with a partner for clitoral stimulation while you have intercourse. The head on the Hitachi Magic Wand is a 2.5″ wide circle so whether you’re a member of the no-thigh-gap-club or not, there’s just no room to maneuver a large apple-sized head in between you and your partner.
I just don’t understand:
Why is it necessary for this device to be so God damned big?
It’s not a fucking sex toy.
Why the Hitachi Magic Wand is Horrible — Reason #2
Ok, so listen here:
Like really. Turn your speakers up if it’s safe to do so.
SoundCloud External Link: HERE
Did you think that an airplane was taking off in your computer? Do you now have hearing damage? This think is so fucking loud that I’m not sure how anyone is supposed to use it without the entire neighborhood coming over to investigate.
Do you have children? Forget it. You’ll wake them up.
Do you live with your parents? Ha! Good luck.
Is there a deaf old lady that lives in the apartment below you? You’re screwed.
There is no situation where the noise level of the Magic Wand Massager is appropriate except maybe if you’re planning an early retirement to a deserted island.
The Hitachi Magic Wand is a Clit Destroyer
Oh yeah. This is reason #3.
But seriously, the Hitachi Massager is not nice to your clit. Why? Well, you’ll notice that the makers were so kind as to include two vibrational settings. It says right on the side, I and II. The first time I tried the Hitachi, I had no idea what kind of seismic activity this tool was capable of. I plugged ‘er in and cranked that sucker straight to II.
It vibrated me off the bed.
Ok, not really. But my hand almost instantly went numb just holding the damn thing. I didn’t even get a chance to touch it to my clit. This thing vibrates with all of the thunder and lightning that Zeus can throw down.
So what about low (I) speed?
Low is a myth; there is no low speed. It’s simply one tick down from a from the weapon of mass destruction II mode. It’s a weapon of moderate destruction.
And it destroyed my pussy.
I mean that in the best way possible. If we’re being completely honest with each other here then yes, I was able to orgasm while using the Hitachi on low. I made sure to have a grumpy frown on my face as I orgasm’d because I was not happy about the way it came about.
The vibration is just SO intense on your clitoris that it’s overwhelming. I want to pull the head away because it’s too much and I’m getting sensitive until all of the sudden there’s a brief moment of clarity and all of the sensitivity is forgotten and I’m having an orgasm.
I hate it until I cum.
My entire pubic region is numb for about 10 minutes afterwards because it’s been vibrated so hard.
But… I came. So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.
Reason… 4, 5, 6? I’ve Lost Track
There are a few other aspects of this
sex toy vibrational massager that irk me:
- It’s not waterproof
- you have to be sitting near a wall outlet in order to use it as the cord isn’t extremely long
- the head gets hot if you use it for more than about 10 minutes
Obviously, an electronics piece that plugs into the wall isn’t suitable for the bathtub.” I get that but they could have at least tried to make the head portion a little bit more suitable for running it under the tap to wash it. I feel like you have to be so very careful not to allow water to go near the collar under the big white apple.
Warm usually feels nice on your vulva. Tons of products in the market are designed to be warm while helping you reach orgasm.
I said warm, not HOT!
The Magic Wand vibrates so hard that it generates a shit ton of heat. You better hope you cum fast because if you have to keep it touching you for more than about 10 minutes, you’re screwed.
Alternatives to the Hitachi Magic Wand Massager
Seriously Hitachi. It’s not that freaking hard.
The Inspire Ultimate Wand addresses absolutely everything that’s shitty about the Hitachi Magic Wand.
- It is waterproof so it’s easy to clean and/or you can use it in the bath and shower.
- Has 10 vibration functions that start at a reasonable vibration level and works up to a strong buzz that will please just about everyone.
- Charges via USB. You’ll get 1.5 to 3 hours running time, depending on the vibration level you run it at. No more cords!
- The Inspire Ultimate Wand is a whole four inches shorter than the Hitachi Magic Wand.
- It’s also made from silicone so there’s no issues with porous materials harboring microorganisms.
- A portion of the sales goes to Living Beyond Breast Cancer, which is a non-profit organization supporting women affected by breast cancer. I can get behind that.
The Shibari Mini Wand Massager is another amazing alternative to the Hitachi, notably because of it’s small size and small price tag. With over 1600 reviews on Amazon, this little wand sure packs a serious vibrational punch. Mind you, we’re not talking about clit jackhammer vibrations like the Hitachi, but definitely a strong, strong vibe.
It’s only 6 inches long, so you’re saving a ton of space in your tickle trunk.
Like the Inspire it is:
- charged via USB to get about 2.5 hours of run time per charge
- Less powerful than the Hitachi Magic Wand.
It also has TWENTY different vibrational settings with five levels and ten patterns. The sound from the Shibari is considerably more quiet than the Hitachi as well.
Conclusions — The Hitachi Magic Wand isn’t your Only Option!
So we’ve established that the Hitachi Magic Wand is evil.
It’s as big as a fire extinguisher and it sounds like a fucking power tool.
The vibrational output feels like it’s seriously going to do some physiological damage to my entire vulva! It forces you to be tethered to the wall and is more hydrophobic than a cat on the edge of your bathtub (translation: doesn’t like water).
Finally, it gets seriously hot, and not in a good way.
The ONLY saving grace that this stupid thing has is that it can make you cum. I mean, it’s not even like it gets the job done every single time but sometimes, when my clitoris doesn’t feel like it’s going to fall off, I have an orgasm using the Magic Wand.
None of this is surprising! All of the features on the Magic Wand exist because it is a BODY massager! Of course you want a big head and super powerful motor with a neck and back massager. Who cares about noise when you’re getting the knots worked out of your back. Nobody really worries about getting massages in the bathtub or shower, and, finally, a little bit of heat is perfect when massaging those sore hamstrings.
It’s not a fucking sex toy.
You will probably like the Magic Wand if you really, and I mean really like vibration. Also, if you live alone in the countryside where nobody can hear your screams (or the jet engine of a massager), this massager might work for you. If you have ample space in your tickle trunk for a huge toy and have the arm strength of Hulk Hogan, this is exactly right for you!
If all of those things sound like you, by all means, pick up the Hitachi Magic Wand Massager from Amazon HERE