The most expensive orgasm you’ll ever have. Over and over and over again.
Womanizer Pro Clitoral Stimulator
Tucked beneath a horribly cheesy and sexist name, a god awfully tacky design, and a price tag that will make you nauseous, is the most wonderful gem you will ever experience in sex toys. I’d like to introduce the Womanizer Pro! If you need to re-mortgage your house to own one of these, please do so!
Well it’s not THAT expensive, but coming in at around the $200 mark, it’s certainly the most expensive clit sucker to ever grace my nether regions. Actually, it’s the only clit sucker to ever grace my nether regions. The Mister read that and took offense so I’ll have to edit and say “mechanical clit sucker, and it’ll never be as good as the real thing dear.”
Actually, it totally is as good as the real thing, and even better in some situations.
- makes you orgasm quickly
- no vibration means no getting oversensitive
- removable head for cleaning
- different head sizes available
- can be used solo or with a partner
- USB charging – 4 hour battery
- sexist name
- not waterproof
- makes a funny sound
Why I Needed the Womanizer to Save my Clit
I’m going to introduce you to my clitoris; you’ll understand in a second. The Mister is fantastic at oral sex. I mean, that man can spend an hour down there and do things that nobody in their right mind thinks of. I’ve always been hard to get off. I have to work at it when I’m by myself and the Mister definitely has to put some serious effort in to make it happen.
Over time, I ended up in a deep and dark spiral that some of you might be familiar with. If it’s hard to cum, I must need more stimulation, so I bought a new toy. When that started not to work so well, I guess I needed even more stimulation so I bought a bigger and more buzzy toy. Then THAT started to not work so well so I bought ANOTHER toy with MOAR VIBES! My clit was so god damned desensitized that I’m fairly certain that I could have used a mouse sander down there.
If you’ve heard of “death grip” for men, I’m fairly certain that this is what I experienced. Basically, with men, they get so used to masturbating with a strong and firm grip that when they go to have intercourse, it isn’t tight enough and there just isn’t enough stimulation to allow them to reach orgasm. So my clit was broken for a while and I needed to reset things in a bad way. This is why I went searching for an alternative to the bullet vibrators and Hitachi Magic Wands. I figured that I needed to join the Womanizer revolution! Also, I just puked in my mouth a little bit at the term “womanizer revolution.”
Who designed this?
I’m not sure who designed the aesthetics of this thing. Honestly, what. the. fuck. is up with the color schemes and the, oh god, rhinestone on/off button. Actually, it’s a Swarovski crystal button. I’d take a $30 discount on my mechanical clit sucker to have this replaced with a plastic button please! I mean I don’t really care how my sex toys look; it’s all about how they work, but I feel like they missed the mark on both of the “womanly” and “basic” color schemes here.
The basic one is white and silver. All I can see when I look at this is a Black&Decker clothes iron. The purple and the red aren’t much better. You know, it’s not that I don’t think that they’re nice patterns. I love red, I like purple. I like flowers and patterns. The combination of these designs, however, just irks me. I can picture in my head exactly who designed this. *spoiler* It’s a man.
I didn’t really care about color so I “eeny, meeny, miney, mo’d” it and ended up ordering the Black&Decker (silver). I’ll take the small chance that one day I’ll go to grab my Womanizer and accidentally put a hot iron on my clit if I don’t have to think about the clueless person that chose these colors. It really ended up for the best.
“I’m saving myself for someone special”
As always, I headed to Adam and Eve to order my new best friend. I like the folks at Adam and Eve. They’re great for shipping discreetly and have a 100% product satisfaction guarantee for everything. You can return, replace, or exchange anything that you hate or doesn’t work as you would expect.
Then I waited.
I waited very impatiently actually. There are an unbelievable number of sex toys in my tickle trunk but nothing interested me while I waited. I knew in my mind that this was going to be mind-blowing so I saved myself like a virgin saving up for prom night.
The Mister and I are Canadians taking a long sabbatical in Central America so the wait was excruciatingly long for delivery to a country that doesn’t even have house addresses. That’s a story for another day though. Thank goodness that the Mister had just discovered the Fleshlight and wasn’t overly upset that I had decided to temporarily reclaim my virginity
But then, one day, it was here. It was in my hands! My first thought was “this is a sex toy??” It looks like a new age hot glue gun or a fancy ear thermometer. I’m sure if your mother found it you could probably tell her it is a nail polish dryer and she’d believe you.
This does not look like a machine that will leave you in a weak and trembling hot mess after only a few minutes. It’s not too big, like maybe slightly bigger than a large computer mouse and it feels fairly well put together. I charged it to full via a standard USB cable and then kicked the Mister out of the house for some alone time.
What the fuck is this witchcraft?
Ok, so I’m not the first person to say this and I’m sure I won’t be the last. This thing is an enigma! So I turned on the Womanizer to the lowest setting and placed it directly on my clit and…
Holy fucking shit balls.
Yeah, I guess it sucks and kind of vibrates. The feeling is hard to describe because nothing is really touching your clit. Imagine if you can, someone going down on you and sucking gently while slightly flicking your clit with their tongue. That is what this feels like except it’s CONSISTENT! The absolute worst thing ever is when your Licker decides to switch speeds or gets tired or misses a beat as you’re getting close to cumming.
I used no other toys other than the Womanizer and I was able to orgasm in about two minutes. Normally, it’s not easy for me to cum. Jesus Christ, I could count on one hand how many times I’ve cum by just clitoral stimulation alone. This toy just destroyed every other toy in my repertoire. I was a 13 year old boy who discovered porn for the first time. I’m divorcing the Mister. I’m moving to a deserted island that has one plug-in and I’ll spend my days eating coconuts and “Womanizing” myself until I die.
Obviously, I’m being dramatic; I’ll still use my other toys.
Using a vibrator, I often get that overstimulated sensation on my clit where it feels like if I could just grit my teeth and power through it, I’d probably cum. It never worked though and I’d usually end up with a numb clit and it would be even harder to cum. I never got that overstimulated feeling with the Womanizer. In fact, even after I came, I could sometimes reattach that sucker back on and keep going. That’s an absolute first for me. It’s really amazing. Everything about this product is horrific and tacky until it touches your clitoris.
Also, it sounds like a wet pussy fart…
Wait, a pussy fart?
Seriously. It sounds like a refined wet pussy fart. I get it. The sucker part is made from a soft silicone that kind of gets some vibration and it’s natural that moist, soft, flappy things make that noise. The noise gets significantly reduced once it’s attached to your clit. I think it’s hilarious and just gets added to the list beside the name, colors, fucking Swarovski Crystals, etc.
Well, if we’re writing this all down, I’ll add a few more things to the list. It isn’t waterproof. At all. Like you have to wipe it down with a damp cloth when you’re done in case any of your lady juices get anywhere. And they definitely can. The case isn’t a smooth design because that would be too fucking easy. Too easy to design a little mouse-shaped egg with no god damned creases that doesn’t get ‘gina gunk stuck in them. Ugh, but that’s just my opinion.
I GUESS it’s alright though. You can take off the silicone sucker part and wash that. The noise that it makes isn’t terribly loud either. I mean, the Womanizer IS doing the work of the Gods here so we should cut it a little slack.
Other Interesting Information
As mentioned, it’s easy to charge via USB and has up to 4 hours of battery time. This is nice because I don’t really want to be charging it every time I use it.
The head lights up. It makes kind of a glow. It’s not a bright light that could really help a partner locate your clit, but maybe it’s for creating ambiance? I find the glow particularly romantic while I’m watching my favorite porn and trying to cum with a modified breast pump on my clit.
I mentioned you can take the head off to clean. It also comes with an extra large head. I guess many women were finding that the regular head that came with the Womanizer wasn’t big enough. You can also buy replacement heads if you lose or damage the ones you have.
You can use it on your nipples apparently as well. Personally, after years of breastfeeding, I don’t like ANYTHING touching my ladies. I put them on the Mister’s nips though and he jumped a bit. He said it was just a surprising sensation. We haven’t used it in the heat of the moment on him yet though.
Move over Roomba, there’s a new sucker in town!
Honestly, I’ve got more B.O.B’s than I can count and I still maintain that the best home electronic invention of our time is the Roomba. Vacuuming is the devil and you can pry my Roomba out off my cold, dead hands. The Womanizer, however, is giving ‘ol Roomby a run for his money. I’m just amazed that more people aren’t talking about this to be honest. I know, sex toys aren’t really something that gets brought up at family dinners, but I’ve seen nothing on social media, no adverts, nothing.
Ok, so to summarize, this thing basically works your clit like a professional pussy eater. I have zero complaints about how it makes me feel. There are a few other nice features as well. The USB charging and four hour battery life is a nice feature. The removable head is great for a product that isn’t waterproof or if you’re looking to share your toy with a friend. In light of these positive aspects, the bad things don’t really seem so bad. It’s got a weird design with motherfucking crystals on it, it sounds comical, and I’m sure that whoever named it isn’t a native English speaker.
Overall, I’m very happy with my purchase of the Womanizer. Amidst all of the crappy things about it, I bought it to make me cum and it certainly does that.
I wonder if we could convince them to change their name.
You can get the Womanizer HERE from Adam&Eve.